The Footy

Melbourne loves it’s footy (Australian Rules Football). So I thought I would be nosey and see some footy while it was handy (it was either that or be cheeky and enlist in a lippy army). Ballsy. I previously swore my loyalty to The Essendon Bombers by killing a virgin with a boomerang; so we were sure to catch an Essendon (AKA “Awesomedon”) game. I met Nick in the city at sundown and the atmosphere was electric, the kind of excitement and tension that you can only find when thousands of people are gearing up for a sporting event. If only that feeling could be bottled, then I wouldn’t have to burn things to feel excitement.

The majestic MCG

The game was preceded by the obligatory official presentations and an artsy aboriginal performance. It happens in every sport, and it’s usually always boring. Luckily I was already one beer down and feeling fine! Awesomedon happened to be playing The Richmond Tigers (AKA Bitchmond!). Footy is a combination of soccer, rugby, basketball and this. Basically, you carry the ball, pass the ball by hitting it, and kick the ball through uprights to get points. Ball.

Sports!

It was a rough first half for my Bombers; I think the Tigers got feces and hairballs all over our stealth guidance systems. Balls. So the stage was set: Like a cheap hooker, it all came down to the last quarter. There was grappling, cursing, back and forth, every man working to do what he could for his team; and that was just the fans! In the end, our men got it together and bombed the Tigers to near extinction with their laser-guided Tiger Bomb. Call it skill, call it courage, call it a team effort, but I like to call Awesomedon’s win 100% my doing thanks to my cheering and drinking.

GRAAARBRGRAAAH!!

After the game, we celebrated by marching to the city zoo to kill every tiger, flipping cars and burning churches along the way.

Lift with your legs.