Malaise in Melbourne

In late April I bet a friend a swanky lunch that I would have a job by May 10th. It is now May 11th and I am still unemployed, only now I’m out a fancy lunch too. I had definitely planned on a slow leak of some savings on this trip, but without a job the slow leak is more like a crippling money diarrhea. Luckily I’ve budgeted well and won’t be going into the red but I’m a bit glum (I have never used the word ‘glum’ before; I find it charming though) that I’m “spray shitting” away such large amounts of money. Money that instead of being spent on an ethereal life experience, could have been put toward tangible items like a much needed new car, several MacBooks, or penis enlargement surgery.

So here I am in Australia like a chump with my regular wang and only one MacBook. No regular businesses will hire me so it’s time to start getting creative. I give you my list of last-resort money-makers:

Drug mule: On my visa, I can leave and re-enter Australia as many times as I want this year. All I would have to do is fly to a volatile Asian country, swallow a dozen condoms full of cocaine and crap them out for wealthy Australian drug lords (Ho Chi Minh Shitty!). Providing I don’t overdose from a leaky knot, I would make a handsome cut of the loot and be able to afford several shiny new penises.

Organ thief: Go to the bar. Roofie a drink. Bring the victim client home. Have some sex. Help myself to a buffet of plump, fresh organs. Have some sex. Sell organs on the African-American Market. It can be a tough job to pull; the trick is to stay organ-ized.

Pirate: Pirating is all the rage in Somalia these days, so why not Australia? I could pull a rag-tag group of unemployed misfit backpackers together to plunder and pillage the pseudo-fictional country of New Zealand. Long hours, sea sickness, no health coverage; it would be tough, but I would get so much booty. Plus, I already have scurvy, so I don’t have to worry about getting it. Yar.

Call centre employee: Not a chance.

Prostitute: I would ensure huge profit by bringing the world’s oldest profession into the 21st century. I would provide a night of non-stop entertainment! First I’d break the ice with an hilarious comedy routine (people love hearing about the differences between men and women, right?), secondly, a dramatic reading from a transcript of an emotional episode of Ally McBeal, and lastly, the typical wave after wave of pure ecstasy. Split their sides, break their hearts, then bust their balls.

Any other suggestions?